


the inconspicuous fall of icarus

by daengbit



Series: there is always calm before the storm [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: But Happy Endings on the sequel, Canon Compliant Verse, Everyone is a sexually confused teenager, I use tags the wrong way, Junhwan Are Also Confused Don't Be Fooled, Kim Hanbin | B.I in Gay Panic, Kim Jiwon | Bobby a Bisexual Mess, M/M, Multi, New Kids Era, One-sided pining, Possibly angsty, Return Era, Slow slow slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-05-19 19:51:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14880134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daengbit/pseuds/daengbit
Summary: Kim Hanbin would soon find out what it happens when you fly too close to the Sun. The science is simple, you play with fire, you get burn. It's even worse when you willingly walk into said fire without even thinking twice, realizing, as you burn, you'd never choose a different cause of death.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [twitter](twitter.com/bennyindaeyo). Thanks to my [literature godmomther](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bhoney) for all the help.

prologue, 

or the one kim hanbin realized he was never gonna stop burning, 

he only wondered when had it started.

 

The Han River was such a view.

 

The bridge, the cars and the city lights in contrast with the darkness of the river seemed like a landscape from a postal card. That was the kind of view he had at the moment. It was also the kind of view he planned two chairs for.

 

Looking over to the empty space where the other foldable chair should have been, a sigh unconsciously escaped his lips.

 

Hanbin had a vivid memory of planning that little escape on his new balcony. He recollected how they made sketches for what it’d look like while listening to half-made beats and precariously sampled chord sequences. The sound of the laughter and the slurred speech was clear in his mind.

 

 _He_ never learned how to speak properly and his bad pronunciation had become a pretty memory in his mind. The charming and endearing baby speech mumbling incoherently every time Hanbin _touched_ him, followed by a loud laughter followed by light punches and fake complaints.

 

His smile was a reminder of simpler times.

 

… No, he cut himself short on that thought.

 

Times were never simple, that'd be a big fat lie. A pacifying lie. Hanbin grew attached to being pacified from time to time, but staying realistic was his preferred route as of now, preventing dreams of pretty smiles and soft dark hair from intruding his subdued mind. Dreaming was a privilege, and right now he needed thick skin.

 

One floor, five walls and too many vacant stares apart. That’s what he thought he needed to thicken his skin.

 

Yet, no matter how far he went, walking towards the edge of the earth would still not be far enough. If he turned around upon reaching the end of the world, the image would continue to haunt him, painted in quick strokes like a work of Van Gogh, the movement clear as day, his eyes glued to the canvas with no chance of escaping the view. The crescent eyes that no matter how thin would still managed to sparkle like the center of a galaxy. His adam’s apple bobbing up and down when he chuckled hard enough. The tip of his fingers as they grazed his thigh ever so slightly, a warmth spreading at the bottom of his stomach-

 

“Yo,”

 

A loud thump made his head snap towards the sound, waking the boy up abruptly, dragging him away from vivid illusion as it materialized in front of him, Kim Jiwon coming into view as he slid the door shut behind him. “You put the bed right up against the door, that’s hard to cross over. You' a lousy architect.”

 

Hanbin didn’t notice he had been holding his breath, which stopped him from commenting on how badly Jiwon had pronounced that, or pointing out that it was intentional and calling him names. His eyes dropped, although his head was still pointing at him, he couldn’t really stand to look in Jiwon’s eyes for longer than three seconds - a luxury he had given up on a while back.

 

He turned his gaze back to the view of Han River, arm stretching over to the mini-fridge, pulling out two cans of beer and passing one over to the older boy who accepted it silently.

 

His heart composed a pained rhythm of fast-paced beats, although his expression was a perfect mask of disinterest and vacancy. There was the sound of ruffling when Jiwon took a seat at the empty space beside Hanbin’s foldable chair, over the faux grass. He was far enough so they wouldn’t risk touching, a gap of a person in-between them.

 

Hanbin didn’t buy two chairs.

 

He bought the faux grass for “ambiance”, which by no intention of his own also made it slightly less cold to sit on the floor. There were no hopes in his mind that Jiwon would come to visit. Still, he installed the faux grass carpet, absentmindedly, and now there he was. Sitting on it. Not on a chair that had a color complementary to his own.

 

That chair _wasn’t_ bought, and it _surely_ wasn’t stored safely inside his wardrobe, at a corner no one would wanna go looking for anything.

 

There was a moment of silence, the sound of a can being opened, discreet throat-clearing. Hanbin wouldn’t dare to glance his way, still the silence they shared lacked discomfort. As ironic as it was, if there was something they could always share was silence.

 

A whole conversation could be held in the trade of breaths, sighs and soft hums. And it was possible that Hanbin’s long paused breathing was an entire confession to Jiwon, who just clicked his tongue in realization after gulping the beer a couple times, distractedly pressing at the aluminum and making indentations on the can.

 

“How come the blinds are half closed?”

 

The soft-spoken tone broke the mellow silence, a welcome neutral topic that made Hanbin’s jaw muscles relax if only for a while and his breathing to calm down a notch. Jiwon had always been good at reading his moods.

 

“I broke it.”

 

“You just installed it today though? How can it already be broken.”

 

“Yeah, you see… “ A pause. “Broke it.”

 

“You’re a real life moron.”

 

“Well yeah, usually who’s in charge of installations-"

 

The sentence fell short as Hanbin noticed he was looking at Jiwon, looking at his crescent eyes and teasing smirk, slightly too instigated by the exchange and the lifelike warmth that bubbled up in his chest. It wasn’t until he met his eyes that he realized his mistake.

 

Looking at him was like staring at the Sun, he could get easily blinded.

 

His body deflated, numbness washing over as a knee-jerk reaction. Allowing himself to engage would only breed trouble for the both of them. It wouldn't go unpunished, at least not anymore. “… I uh, made a mistake at the setting.”

 

“… Yeah, alright.” The older boy silenced himself, looking away at the cue, sipping the rest of the beer as if the disjointed sentence was unfixable even for him. If Bobby knew anything it was how to take a hint.

 

Silence.

 

_You could help me with the rest of my bedroom._

 

_Yeah, I’ll come by later. I can stay over and we’ll watch a drama after I’m done._

 

_Can we-_

 

_Fine, a Kim Jiwon drama again… I get it._

 

The dialogue would’ve been so easy, they both knew how it would start and how it would end. Filling in the gaps were easy for them, completing each other like two opposing forces that melted perfectly into one.

 

They both knew… Which should probably explain why no one said a word, the dialogue being a figment of a parallel universe in which things didn't get so complicated. Jiwon was way too subservient to question Hanbin’s stern glare, even when it wasn’t pointed at him, like at the present case.

 

As hard of a choice as it was muffling his unfocused thoughts, silencing the quick beating of his heart, numbing his body once more, Hanbin shut out all intrusive thoughts of unwanted invitations and so,  after a long pause, Jiwon finally got up.

 

Dusting off his pants before crumpling the can in his hand and skillfully throwing at the garbage basket, deciding he was probably overstaying his welcome.

 

“Um, … ‘Kay.” There was a pause. A pondered waiting period.

 

A space for a question mark.

 

Hanbin’s head started the instinctive movement of looking at him. His eyes, however, didn’t follow through.

 

“So uh, see you tomorrow?”

 

“-Yeah, at our morning schedule.”

 

The distance was unquestionable, still, Jiwon waited another moment. Just another moment. Just a second more, anything would be enough.

 

… Nothing.

 

“…'Kay. See ya.”

 

He climbed up the bed to cross over and just like that, he was gone.

 

Hanbin’s eyes seemed to be waiting for this moment to burn like hellfire, heavy and wet, sore lids pressing together and lips quivering like it took him all his effort not to budge before his mouth finally cracked opened at once, unable to keep shut any longer,  
  
  
  


“ _Hyung, wait,_ ”

  
  
  
  
He called out — unfortunately, a moment too late. His room's door closed softly as Jiwon made his way out, unable to listen to the silent cry for help.

 

The silence that followed was the well deserved answer to his weak, poor excuse for a protest. Whimpering to the ghost of a presence was worthless and didn’t soothe anyone’s pain, aggravating it instead of bringing back the sun to what seemed to be the longest night he’s ever witnessed.

 

He got too close, and that’s how Hanbin learned he shouldn’t be playing with fire, as his burning eyes would remind him once more.

 

His body curled up over his knees, shoulders shaking violently with the sobs that followed.

 

He thought of the feeling, the warmth, the pain, and how badly he wished he would have just been cremated to death, a better fate than to stay alive and in constant excruciating pain of burning alive.

 

Hanbin also thought of how of a stupid and masochist loser he must’ve become — like a mosquito flying into a lamp over and over again — that he would, no questions asked, do it all again if prompted laugh and touch and share and feel vividly just to burn all over again.

 

Jiwon was a wildfire, a burning sun, and Hanbin unfortunately flew way too close.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this one is a bit brighter? Ha ha.

i

chapter one,

or the one kim hanbin took notice of the touch,

and then threw away the memo.

  
  
  


The clock stroke six in the morning which meant the phone sitting on the bedside table was about to start being dramatic and signalizing that Kim Hanbin should get out of bed and stop being lazy. Jinhwan had the morning function of waking everybody up, but looking at the time for a moment he decided — although half-conscious and cross eyed — his group could use a few moments of extra sleep. 

 

Turning off the alarm, the leader climbed out of his bed, eyes still closed, hair completely messy and a light stubble coming through his jawline. Yawning and scratching his belly, he avoided the mess of the clothes the other guys usually made, half made travel bags open here and there. It was all a minefield for neat and tidy Kim Hanbin, but being an expert at the task, he easily avoided the dumpster that was the bedroom floor.

 

There were no closed doors in that dorm. It wasn’t a rule or anything the like. They simply didn’t feel the need to isolate from the others, living closer than most families do. Hanbin didn’t feel the particular need to shut the door as he took care of his morning wood, pissing his sleep away as he heard the soft snoring coming from three different bedrooms. 

 

Only one light was on at the time, the yellow light softly illuminating the hallway. 

 

He glanced over once, feeling weirdly like he was being observed, having to double take, brows furrowed when he met a set of eyes glancing back, sleepy, but aware, behind the nearest door that was slightly ajar. He could clearly see inside the bedroom, and the beam that invaded the room shaped perfectly the high cheekbones and sharp jawline, shaping the childish smile that appeared despite sleep still weighting his eyes down as well.

 

“What,” His voice was hoarse, cracking on the single word he verbalized, which made the boy chuckle softly, still wrapped up in blankets.

 

“I can’t go back to sleep when that bitch phone of yours starts screaming.” A pause, then another fifth grader smile, “I bet you only pee with the door open ‘cause we can’t see your dick even if we tried.”

 

Hanbin wanted to scoff but he ended up laughing with him, hushed voices as they both shared a dorky laughter, “You woke up a whole new level of dumb.”

 

He stretched his body, Hanbin looking back towards the bathroom tile when the conversation seemed to be over, listening to the rustle of clothing and legs kicking off the blankets, flip flops being tossed around wooden tiles and quiet yawning. 

 

Kim Jiwon came into the bathroom light, his hair messy, face puffy and swollen eyes. He grumbled incongruent words and stopped way too close to Hanbin, hips touching as he pulled down his pants, Hanbin putting away his own junk as his eyebrows shoot up, “You can’t even wait for me to be done?”

 

“What… The vase is big enough.”

 

Hanbin showed his best face of disbelief and disgust, “… Honestly. Have you ever heard of personal boundaries, hyung?”

 

“Well… Have you?” Jiwon stated back, crooked smirk on his face, eyes glancing at the open door. Hanbin sighed, frustrated by his own behavior at giving people too much freedom around him. He couldn’t exactly complain either. Not being the master at respecting personal spaces, it’d be hypocrite of him to complain about Jiwon wanting them to act like some sort of urine fountain.

 

Truth be told, he didn’t mind at all. All of his complaints were vague and shallow, being way too used to sharing a small bathroom in the mornings before anyone else would be up. He knew Jiwon liked sleeping and always took his time with his own morning schedules, but no matter what he would wake up, glance through the open gap of his shared bedroom door, smile and crack jokes in the morning. 

 

It was soothing, and Hanbin had no idea if he knew it was soothing or if he just did it because it was his way of living life. Jiwon made his position seem like less of a burden and more like a shared task.

 

Washing his face up, he let the older boy hover around him, sharing the sink as he brushed his teeth and laughed stupidly at Hanbin’s face covered in white foam, silly faces being made here and there. 

 

6:20 they had both washed up, the leader taking care of waking up Jinhwan and asking him to become once more the good morning fairy. The short boy of course only shot him a deadly stare and grumpily went on with his morning affairs.

 

As they heard Chanwoo’s laments from the bedroom’s general direction, Hanbin and Jiwon sat closely at the kitchen counter, sharing a pack of uncooked noodles, unhealthy as they were. 

 

Slowly entering a bubble of their own small world that did not necessarily need words to be spoken. They shared glances and lazy facial expressions, shared earphones, shared a well known snack.

 

“Jiwon if you’re able to get up so well, why don’t you wake up Chanwoo? I’m getting tired of being kicked in the stomach,” a grumpy voice invaded their bubble, but it was a voice that would belong in there any time. Jinhwan sat across them and sighed, “Can’t you  _ ever _ wake them up? Not even one time?”

 

“No,” Hanbin answered, although the question was meant for Jiwon. 

 

The eldest squinted, humming in amusement, a stare battle sparking between them, a mood which would be very intense had it not been for Junhoe’s background music of “The Salmon That Went Up The River Stream”, voice cracking and everything.

 

“Okay  _ Hanbob _ ,” He finally replied, getting only a chuckle out of Jiwon who was an ever smiling kid, Hanbin staying completely neutral and unresponsive. One long sigh later he got up to meet Junhoe half way out of the kitchen, urging him to go down and get an Americano for them. Hanbin didn’t dare look up at Jinhwan, though, something stirring up in his stomach from that exchange.

 

“Don’t forget your passports, please, it’s so hard for us when you do that,” Their manager’s voice echoed through the floor hallway a while later as most of them grouped up in front of the elevator.

 

At least two thirds of the group had their eyes still half closed, the other half sporting fashionable dead eyed looks. They went down two groups at a time, Hanbin making sure to secure the back seat, waiting for Jiwon to come join him — which he promptly did, being available as the best shoulder-pillow of the group, the leader always tired and always the king of sleeping in the car.

 

—

  
  


“Listen up,” Yoonhyuk — their always reliable manager and the one person who would always validate their bullshit — summoned them, all unfocused and disoriented inside the minivan after landing in Osaka for their concert tour first stop, “We're gonna start organizing rooms. You get two bed bedrooms this time, less crowded but still that’s the best we can do for now.”

 

A few protests could be heard, amongst them grandpa-barks (coming from Yunhyeong most likely), but the weirdest which was almost muffled came from Hanbin, a small voice emerging from the front, “We get to choose our partners, at least?”

 

“No, we picked them so it would match schedules and needs.”

 

A unisson of “Aw, crap” complaints could be heard from the angry boys. Although everyone had their own issues, one person in particular was the focus of Hanbin’s sharp eagle eyesight. He had complained about partner-picking, almost seeking validation when saying so by looking to the seat besides his, not expecting to see him looking out the window, pensive and introspective. 

 

…Not complaining about the rule at all. Or about anything, really.

 

Jiwon’s face had the quality of being almost unreadable from time to time.

 

Although Hanbin tried to understand what sort of feelings he showed through his almost impeccable chill-boy facade, even going as far as watching  _ micro-expressions and body language  _ videos, in the end he was still unable to identify whatever he was thinking of.

 

It was frustrating that Jiwon was so together, while he had to be the exposed, vulnerable mess that he was.

 

Maybe he spent way too much time drilling holes on the back of his best friend’s head trying to guess his thoughts that he eventually started looking for the source of the magnetism, that confused yet expectant expression as he rose his eyebrows.

 

Theirs eyes met, Hanbin jumping slightly on his sit, biting his bottom lip trying to come up with something not totally embarrassing to say. Everyone was chatting in the back, so Hanbin found it a little bit easier to convey his thoughts, even if it was just by the sheer pressure of being inquired directly after getting caught staring, a stutter coming on almost too innocent.

 

“Ah I-… I was just hoping we get to be roommates, hyung.”

 

Jiwon scanned his face for a minute, eyes lowering for a split second, looking somewhere in his face he couldn't exactly pinpoint before his eyes locked in Hanbin’s expectant stare once more. 

 

He smiled quizzically, lopsided. 

 

“… It's like you read my mind.”

 

Simple words that created an entire chain of reactions in Hanbin’s mind and body. 

 

A smile came out almost uncalled for, big and genuine as he chuckled in what seemed to be embarrassment or something else quite hard to label, turning away for a few seconds. His stomach twitched nervously, spasming uncontrollably, a ridiculous sensation of electricity running up his body and settling as a painful sting in his chest. 

 

A lot happened, and basically he had no control over it.

 

“No matter what I’ll still visit you at night, so.”

 

Hanbin extended his hand shyly, looking up from the gesture in time to catch what seemed to be the brightest smile he’d ever seen, the boy touching the tip of his index finger with his own, a silent contract signed. “Unless I’m with Chanwoo, in which case I’d rather just lock him inside and run away from the hotel altogether.”

 

“I heard that, hyung!”

 

“Conversation hasn’t reached the backseat yet, satan.”

 

—

 

Of course, they didn’t get to be roommates. Hanbin’s luck never let in. 

 

Jiwon was the best person to partner with in a room. He was messy and loud sometimes, but with Hanbin he’d always been very compliant. 

 

The older boy would keep his things organized if it meant he could relax. Being a sucker for praises as he was, he’d be very quiet and play games on his laptop whenever the leader needed to rest in silence. 

 

But he’d also be ready to talk about anything silly or serious at ungodly hours into the night. Be it to hear a composition piece out, or to just trash talk the chairman secretly in hushed tones and mute snickering.

 

Overall, he was the  _ perfect _ match for Hanbin.

 

…In room sharing, that is.

 

He wasn’t unhappy with being paired with their manager or anything, he knew he’d probably need to leave earlier and take care of things the others didn’t always need to worry about, but he also knew Jiwon would be involved if it came down to making decisions, so they might as well have let them be together. 

 

“I'm going up, I’ll meet you later,” The voice woke him up from his routined of angrily staring at nothing after reality didn’t meet his expectations. Jiwon showed a perfect form of a knowing, impish smirk, “Don't cry, we’ll still have breakfast together, you loser.”

 

“Who's crying, buck teeth.” They exchanged small smiles and friendly arm punches, Jiwon chuckling lightly as he waved and made his way to the elevator, following after Yunhyeong. Hanbin stayed back, waiting for their manager, smile slowly fading as the only thing that lingered was a somehow vacant stare, looking at the closed elevator doors as if he could astrally project and follow through. 

 

It lingered until it didn’t anymore, eyes landing elsewhere, onto the face of someone who had a hint of hurt in their expression. Eyes that were looking right at him.

 

He furrowed his brows, a bit disoriented, trying to understand the expression he just saw, but it wasn’t like he had the time to ask what happened. Jinhwan licked his lips, eyes darting downwards and then up, followed by his chin which also protruded, jaw pushing forward as he hardened his expression. 

 

Certainly it wasn’t the first time he saw that face. It meant Jinhwan would be silent and stiff and reserved to his thoughts. It mean his fingers would curl up in Junhoe’s sleeves and pull him closer, being a shield, a protector who didn’t fully understand everything, but didn’t need to ask.

 

Hanbin always needed to ask, and that perhaps was the problem with him. Somethings are better left unanswered.

 

Some questions are better left unasked. 

 

—

 

“Bobby-hyung and I are working out tonight after rehearsals, do you wanna come with?” Jinhwan blinked slowly, pausing while serving himself with small swirls of egg-rolls at the morning buffet. He seemed to be actually frozen, a paused image for a few seconds, “… Hyung? I was meaning to ask if I did anything wro-"

 

“Can’t, not tonight. My body’s kinda sore, maybe we can work out when we go back home?” He smiled a perfectly convincing smile, however Hanbin could recognize any of Jinhwan’s fake smiles, they came in all shapes and sizes and they were usually pretty hard to detect.

 

It was a surprise that the smile was used on him.

 

He exhaled carefully, eyes scanning his face for answers, the small boy simply continuing to fill his plate up as if everything was decided and that was that. 

 

Hanbin knew when he’d been blown off. He didn’t exactly like being dismissed, and it couldn’t just be just because of his annoying personality — he could admit that much, if it WAS for his personality Jinhwan would’ve just said it. 

 

He sat down at the small table Jiwon was occupying, the boy receiving him with a lazy morning smile that would have blinded him and shocked him to the point of forgetting his various concerns, had it not been Jinhwan the subject of said concern.

 

“Hyung, did you notice Jinhwan-hyung acting a bit… Distant lately?” 

 

Jiwon blinked a few times, confused, looking around the room until he found Jinhwan chicly eating his breakfast while discussing something very passionately with Chanwoo. Most likely discussing OWL. 

 

“Uh… To me he seems normal. We were playing games last night.”

 

“Ah, really?” It came as a shock for Hanbin that they played games together, sort of realizing how out of the loop he’d been. “You play games constantly?”

 

“We do, me and him and Chanwoo and sometimes Donghyuk.”

 

“Ah… I see.” He picked at his food. Jiwon glanced at him, quiet for a moment, carefully reading his face.

 

“Get a laptop and I’ll teach you the basics of the game so we can play together. You can ask hyung to teach you too, he’s better than me.”

 

Hanbin’s expression was quite literally resuscitated, a smile broadening slowly on his face. It was enough to at least appease whatever was happening in a dark corner of his brain a second before. “That'd be nice… But um,” He quickly snapped back to his purpose, “Are you guys gonna play tonight? We said we’d be working out.”

 

“Oh, yes, we don’t schedule gaming before a concert. That’d be real irresponsible because we end up staying up very late.” Hanbin even saw the glimmer of boasting somewhere within that sentence, like a hook for something. 

 

“That's very mature of you, hyung,” He praised, the older boy smiling, satisfied with himself. Turns out Hanbin was the fish that hook was meant for. “So it means he didn’t have plans with you or the guys, why would he blow us off then?”

 

“Well, what did he say?"

 

“He said his body was sore,” Jiwon shot up a brow, questioning as Hanbin rolled his eyes, munching on his sausages, “He was lying. Clearly. And I mean he does yoga, he doesn’t get sore. Like, ever. Also he was pulling that really fake face he usually doesn’t use on us. That’s textbook Jinhwan for ‘I don't wanna see you right now’ gentle blow-offs.”

 

“Hm…” Jiwon scratched his chin, seemingly deep in thought, “Maybe he has something he wants to do that he’s- you know. Like he wants to do it alone. Like… Um. Porn?”

 

Hanbin gagged.

 

“ _ PORN _ ?!” 

 

Well, clearly he didn’t intend to scream about pornography in the middle of the breakfast buffet. The Korean speakers all turned to them flabbergasted, mouths agape, some staffs face palming at how easily Hanbin could embarrass them. His ears became beet-red in 0.5 millisecond, clearing his throat as Jiwon practically held his mouth, coughing, trying to control a fit of laughter.

 

“Oh- Oh man why do you do this to me… “ Jiwon slowly got his act together, wiping his eyes dry from laughter induced tears, neck absolutely livid from embarrassment as well, “Y-yeah man, porn is a bit of a reality, everyone needs their private time. You, for instance, are always watching porn.”

 

“Well- yes, but… I don’t- I mean, I don’t blow off my friends for porn.” It was true, he didn’t and wouldn’t and he absolutely only watched porn when he had nothing else to do or when he was feeling particularly frustrated. 

 

Although… It was a bit of a sensitive subject for him. 

 

His downcast eyes and head maybe hinted at something, Jiwon squinting as he tried to figure out what that face meant, which probably triggered a panic button inside Hanbin’s brain and just made him advance on his point, “Well I- I think he’s hiding something else.”

 

Jiwon hovered over a question for a moment before letting it go.

 

“ _ Usually _ people tend to hide porn… I mean, you’re one of the few brave ones who scream about it in a crowded foreign country five-star hotel.”

 

Hanbin growled.

 

"Porn would be too on the nose. Besides, with a roommate you can’t really have… Privacy.” Hanbin continued, fueling his own paranoia even further, “It's not porn, I’m 100% sure he’s not blowing us off to beat his meat-"

 

“Okay okay please stop screaming about meat-beating in public-“ Jiwon chuckled-gagged, throwing his hands up in defense. “Maybe we could… Chase him after rehearsals, if he goes into his room then he’s definitely watching porn. If he doesn’t then you can see what’s so important. I don’t really mind him blowing us off, but like, it seems like a big deal to you, so…” His voice died a little, eyes looking down at his hands, “I'll help.”

 

Well, the sight of a shy, eager to help Kim Jiwon was quite something to stare at. 

 

Hanbin had to hold his breath for a few moments, almost forgetting what they were talking about.

 

“Ah, um. Thanks… hyung.”

 

—

 

The nights were very bright in Japan which made it all more difficult to hide in the shadows.

 

Specially when it was about dumb and dumber who were louder than an ambulance.

 

It was around eight when they were finally done with rehearsals and generally everyone would go back to the hotel and sleep early, but not them. Not Bonnie and Clyde here.

 

“Okay so we need to be very silent, he may be small but he’s sly like a fox.” Hanbin adverted once as the two of them met in front of Hanbin’s room, dressed in all black, hoodies above their head and sunglasses.

 

“Look, I really like that we have this James Bond thing going on here but I really don’t wanna get beaten up if he finds out we’ve been following-“ 

 

Jiwon was cut off by the sound of Jinhwan’s door unlocking, the both of them hurrying inside Hanbin’s room and leaving only a small gap open, enough for them to peek outside, piled on top of each other like cartoon bears. 

 

“Ouch, my hand-“

 

“Shh.”

 

Jinhwan came out of the room, sleek black outfit and black mask, chic and composed as always, slowly walking towards the elevator. They waited a few moments before speaking again.

 

“Okay, so, not porn. Let’s g-“

 

Once again, unlocking of doors seemed to be interrupting Jiwon constantly. Hanbin covered his mouth as well as he could as another bedroom door opened. This time Junhoe came out, perhaps equally well dressed, the only difference was his face. Sneaking out was always a difficult thing for them, staff roaming the floors as they usually were, and they both knew that face very well. 

 

The Don’t-Get-Caught face.

 

They bolted out as soon as he was out of sight, watching from around the corner the elevator doors closing. “Quick, go, to the other elevator!” Hanbin pulled Jiwon by the wrist as they made their way down to the lobby.

 

How did two completely idiotic men managed to track down Jinhwan that well was beyond imagination, but surely enough, they followed him through the shadows right into a cafe. Seated at a corner table, menus covering their faces, pressed together inside a sofa booth. “Hanbin, honestly, we’re gonna screw this up-“

 

“Only if you keep talking. We should talk in japanese.”

 

“I only know like fifteen words.”

 

“So? I only know three.”

 

They shut up once the cafe bell rang, looking over the entrance. The both of them dove under the menus once more, peeking from the sides as soon as they recognized the tall figure of Junhoe.

 

_ “What is he doing here too? I mean if they were coming together why did they come separately-“ _

 

_ “Maybe they didn’t plan this?” _

 

Junhoe sat at Jinhwan’s table, nonchalantly.

 

_ “Okay so they did plan this.” _

 

They watched intently as the guys talked very expressionless until Jinhwan finally pulled down his mask, a smile very noticeable, two coffees arriving at the table had been already ordered, Junhoe smiling back and commenting on something related to the order.

 

He then extended his arm across the table.

 

A moment later, Jinhwan’s small hand was on top of his.

 

Hanbin’s head stopped at that scene, like someone had pressed pause and turned the scene around at every possible angle. It was as if he was watching a movie of something he didn’t quite understand yet. A different culture, a different world of unknown feelings he couldn’t grasp the concept. He was frozen in time, a rush of feelings building up and further down his mind.

 

Hand, a hand touched his, a pinky finger slightly touching the side of his hand on the menu, snapping him out of his shock as his neck practically snapped, his head turning towards the touch.

 

_ “What's wrong?” _

 

His eyes met Jiwon’s expectant ones, a hint of concern and also shock, since he’d been watching the same scene moments ago,  _ “You're pale…” _

 

Hanbin blinked, trying to make sense of anything before casually laying down the menu and standing up, pulling his hoodie over his face and strolling out of the cafe. He went down the street a few steps before listening to the bell ring on the distance, hurried footsteps chasing him until he had Jiwon’s hand on his shoulder. 

 

“Dude, what’s wrong- What happened?”

 

“You saw what happened!” He turned around, face livid, hands almost unconsciously covering his own ears. That was a whole new sentiment he wasn’t ready to discover. “They- They were. Doing something. Different. I don’t know?”

 

“I didn’t really see anything out of the usual…?” Jiwon didn’t understand the panic, completely oblivious to what he would be freaking out about. “What are you talking about, dude. To me it seemed like they were sneaking out past Yoonhyuk-hyung which is why he didn’t tell you.”

 

Hanbin knitted his brows together, overwhelmed. 

 

“They were, like.  _ Holding hands. _ "

 

Jiwon only stared at him for five solid seconds, atoned. 

 

“Dude.  _ We _ hold hands all of the time. Is  _ this _ why you’re freaking you, because you think they’re-"

 

“It's not the same. Not the same as us.” He cut Jiwon off like a bolt, not wanting to hear the rest of it.

 

“…How come?” He seemed tired.

 

“Well, we… Do it as friends, we always did it as friends.”

 

“Huh, well, then so did they? Cause to me it looked the same.”

 

“It…” He looked down, scratching the back of his neck, hoodie falling off his head. “Didn't look the same. It  _ can’t _ be the same.”

 

“Well it-“

 

_ “Is that iKON?” _

 

He could hear whispering, hushed talking and the word “iKON" was clear to him in any possible language, probably. He looked around, finally realizing he was as exposed as he could, a few girls pointing and whispering. He muttered a quick swear under his breath, looking at Jiwon with a panicked expression. 

 

It burned maybe all of the older boy's quick thinking neurons to pull Hanbin by the hand and bolt out of there, entering any dim illuminated alleyway they saw on the way to blow off the herd of fans who somehow gathered. His back hit the wall with a thud, quickly breathing in as a hand pressed against his mouth. 

 

Hanbin was locked in place, but interestingly enough he was not physically restrained. 

 

Sure, Jiwon had his body up way too close, trying to stay out of sight, but he wasn’t really holding Hanbin in place in any forceful manner. No, that wasn’t what locked him in place at all.

 

No.

 

Something between the rush of adrenaline boiling up his blood or the breathlessness from running so fast must have gotten him lightheaded. The pain on his chest was probably a symptom. His wobbly knees were probably a symptom. His eyes scanning so attentively the image in front of him, tracing the contour of the jawline, up towards his lips, taking in the shape, the color, the biting of his bottom-lip because of the tension-

 

_ “I think they’re gone.” _

 

Snap.

 

_ “Oh.” _

  
  
  


Like water drenching his body wet and cold, he woke up. He looked towards the main street, most of the people must have migrated towards a more luminous area. His eyes darted back to Jiwon who was, in turn, fixated on something on his own face which was immediately making him self conscious.

 

“Um…”

 

There wasn’t a single non idiotic thing to be said, it seemed, because words didn’t form at that moment. Jiwon looking slightly downwards from his eyes, and so his own eyes went down towards his lips. As far as exchanges went, it seemed only fair. 

 

“What…”

 

Although the search for rights words continued, he couldn’t, or maybe  _ wouldn’t,  _ stop staring. 

 

He could hear his heartbeats vibrating on his eardrums, blood pulsating, rushing through his head and making his decision-making brain cell a tad numb. 

 

A touch.

 

His muscles tensed up. A ghostly touch, light, burning up as they traced a line on the skin of the back of his hand. It was hard to understand if that was actually happening or if it was a figment of his imagination — why he would be imagining that was beyond his knowledge. He licked his lips instinctively and the action didn’t go unnoticed, no, there he was again. Looking.

 

Perhaps he was hallucinating, perhaps Jiwon was actually doing that. There was no way to tell, he really couldn’t understand the physical limitations of his body anymore.

 

_ Isn't it the same? _

 

A touch in a cafe, dimmed lights and small, private smiles. A touch in a dark alleyway, breathless and insecure. They are not the same. They’re not.

 

_ …Are they? _

 

_ “Hanbin," _

 

( _ Hyung, I _ -)

  
  
  


“What are you two  **_idiots_ ** doing here?!”

  
  
  


They backed away so quickly that Jiwon’s back crashed against the other wall of the small alleyway, looking towards the owner of voice: a very small, yet angry fairy. Said fairy had his hands on his hips, looking half angry half scared, followed by, of course, a tall pale-faced Goo Junhoe who had just been caught escaping and their trustworthy Yoonhyuk-hyung, looking way too displeased.

 

“… Oh crap.”

 

“Hi… hyung.”

 

—

 

At that point there wasn’t much they could do to escape a scolding. The four boys were in Yoonhyuk’s shared room with Hanbin, hands folded in front of their bodies, heads down.

 

“It's not a matter of getting caught or not, if you want to go out you  _ have _ to tell me, at least! Don't just elope in a foreign country like four dumb as hell lovebirds.” His voice was low, tired. Hanbin’s fingers fidgeted, he could see with his peripheral vision that Jinhwan’s bottom lip was quivering ever so slightly. 

 

It was like someone had punched him right in the gut. 

 

Getting caught wasn’t exactly the issue. Being extremely irresponsible for a ridiculous reason, ruining everyone’s nights AND getting caught, that was the issue. 

 

Saying it was Jiwon who influenced him into making that decision would be putting too much weight on him, since he was the leader and he also knew how submissive his best friend could become when Hanbin was too driven into something. He could be very… Abrasive if he wanted to. 

 

He wouldn’t be fair doing so, Hanbin finally decided to own up to it so, when Jiwon started verbalizing it, he couldn’t help but watch in shock.

 

“It's all on me.”

 

Jinhwan turned his head like his neck would’ve snapped, Junhoe, static as if he was frozen in place. Hanbin only ever opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He couldn’t understand what could be happening in Jiwon’s brain.

 

“Y'know me, hyung… Sometimes I rebel like that, I knew the guys wanted to go out for a while so I kinda hyped them up, so it’s my fault.” He laughed, a perfectly angelical laughter of someone who could have done that and it wouldn’t be a lie. 

 

Except it was a lie, and Hanbin was ready to oppose when Jiwon looked him straight in the eyes, confident, as if he was telling the most absolute truth, “Sorry I ended up dragging you too, but if it wasn't for you we’d have been drowned by fans, so… It was just my luck.”

 

Another lie, but Jiwon seemed to  _ really mean it _ . The fact that he could say that like it was nothing put off Hanbin for a while, seemingly at loss of words. It was the  _ exact  _ opposite of what he was saying, if anything Jiwon was a victim to his paranoia and Jinhwan’s secrecy. 

 

But there he was, owning up to it… While the others stood quietly.

 

Then.

 

Both started talking at the same time.

 

“I can’t let him take the blame (It’s on all of us, he didn’t do it alone) we all went out, we should be punished equally (Jiwon is trying to protect us)-"

 

“Okay, okay,” The manager looked at them, stern and cautious, scanning Jiwon at last, probably getting nothing out of it since he was as easy to read as the Silmarillion. The boy was simply always at ease, even when he was betting his life on it. “… Since you guys seem to be very united, your punishment will be no free time in Osaka, together. You are, as they say,  _ grounded,  _ so to speak.”

 

Junhoe huffed, but accepted the punishment along with Jinhwan, both nodding shortly, apologizing and then leaving. Jiwon did the same and then, lastly, Hanbin — but not before exchanging a look of guilt and knowing with Yoonhyuk. 

 

Outside, the three of them were gathered in the hallway, the shorter one, with the argumentative expression of a bomb set to go off in a matter of seconds, opened up the door to his bedroom. Junhoe just looked extremely out of himself, but still followed through as the guilty boys entered the room. He started softly after closing the door behind him, eyes a complete antithesis to what his voice sounded like, arms folded in front of his body.

 

“Why on earth did you follow me.”

 

“Why on earth did you sneak out without telling me?” The answer came quicker than his brain was able to process it, tone mimicking the older boy’s.

 

“Do I  _ honestly _ have to tell you everything, now, Hanbin?”

 

It wasn’t an attack. It didn’t sound like one to anyone in the room, but to Hanbin, it was World War Three.

 

“Apparently you don’t have to and honestly it seems like you don’t _want_ to tell me anything. It’s been a while now.” He gave the both of them a pointed look. “You seem to be gathering a lot of secrets you are just deciding _not to tell me."_

 

Jinhwan opened his mouth, slightly offended that he was trying to imply anything, stuttering out of sheer anger.

 

“Wh- What the hell are you trying to say here? What secrets?! Speak out like a man.” He puffed his chest out, chin up, walking one step towards Hanbin. 

 

“I'm trying to say you could have told me about this but you kept it a secret, it’s not like you need a place and time to hold hands with Junhoe, of all people.” 

 

… He squinted, 

 

“Or maybe you  **do** need a place to do that, in which case, I’d have to say… I’m slightly concerned.” His blood fervent, he didn’t even know when he walked towards Jinhwan, but soon enough they were centimeters apart. Jinhwan clearly did not enjoy reading in between the lines of the last phrase, jawline tense and muscles ready, Hanbin towering over him, body posture slightly imposing.

 

It took Jiwon’s controlled voice to wake them up like a bucket of ice water.

 

“You two have issues, man.”

 

The both of them broke eye contact, looking at his face, standing near Junhoe who seemed anything but comfortable with the situation. They tuned it down immediately after scanning the face of the youngest. Jiwon sighed, patting Junhoe’s shoulder, “Go sleep, we’ll be up early.”

 

He looked at them, then looked at Jinhwan for quite some time, the older boy signaling with his head that it was okay to go. 

 

Then there were three.

 

“So why is there bad blood between you two right now? I couldn't understand even one third of that crazy ass conversation.”

 

They shared looks, the three of them, everyone reserved to their own personal demons.

 

“I- Just. Ugh.”

 

Hanbin broke the silence, but not very skillfully.

 

“Wow, that’s a very good point, I see it very clearly now, you are absolutely right.” Jinhwan returned acidly and Jiwon had to hold in a chuckle. Hanbin loomed. 

 

“Shut up, it’s just… I feel like you’re distant lately. Bobby-hyung and I-“ He looked at Jiwon, who just looked back without saying anything substantial, but providing some comfort after all, even if he was being used as a conversation piece at the moment. 

 

He didn’t deserve that. 

 

“… No, I'm the only one who feels like that. I'm sorry I said shitty things to you, and also ruined your night. I felt you were hiding from me, but that doesn’t mean I have a right to be a shitty friend and stalk you.”

 

The vomit of words seemed to take Jinhwan aback slightly, but he recomposed himself very elegantly. As if he was expecting that conversation for a while now, it just never seemed to surface.

 

“… Look,” Jinhwan let a breath out, maybe he had been holding it in for too long, “I kind of love you guys and love spending time with you two, but there are moments I need… To be sort of… Looked at while I’m looking at someone, if you know what I mean.”

 

“Uh…”  Hanbin froze in place, his face a complete mess of confusion. Jinhwan pressed his lips together, clearly struggling with the right words to say.

 

“You… Are, um, I mean, I am. I need to be, like, the center of something. I need to be the center of myself, and when I’m with you guys…”

 

The air became thick, like it was something they were tiptoeing around for quite a while. Eggshells Jinhwan did not want to crack.

 

"Usually… You guys are my center. And, well, each other’s center as well." 

 

Hanbin exhaled, scratching his nape, eyes downcast alongside with his sense of pride which was worth nothing when he had potentially hurt one of his best friends.

 

"In this equation I’m not… Anyone’s... Center, you know? It’s fine, I like watching over you, but I need my own time as well. Junhoe and I… Have a lot in common, you know that.”

 

“You both are in love with yourselves, yeah.” That comment earned Jiwon a slap in the bicep, but at least Jinhwan smiled for a split second before becoming serious again.

 

“Hanbin, please don't take it personally, like your mind really can create lies like that I don’t like you, or don’t trust you. None of that is true. I just need some space, that’s all.”

 

He stood quietly, finally walking towards the window of the room after a while, “… I’m sorry I was invasive. And a stalkerish asshole. I’ll never doubt you again.” Jinhwan seemed to relax his shoulders after the reply, even though they couldn't get a good look on his face. Although his tone seemed sincere, his face was actually painted in…

 

What was that again? Something he once deeply buried.

 

_ Abandon. _

 

Hanbin was… Difficult, to say the least. Jinhwan worried about him sometimes.

 

The boy turned around with half a sorry smile in his lips, brows turning upwards as a small apology, “Teach me how to play Overwatch, Jiwon said you would.”

 

“… Jiwon said that, huh.” Suddenly Kim Jiwon was deaf and couldn’t hear, looking elsewhere like he had been called by someone outside of the room, “… Right, hyung will teach you.”

 

They exchanged smiles for a moment, the younger boy coming closer and finally resolving the fight by clinging onto the elder. 

  
  
  
  


A while later he left the room, finding Jiwon outside, waiting for him in the hallway.

 

“You guys are always so fierce, you have to be careful not to get your ass kicked by him.”

 

“Keep treating me like a weakling, why won’t you…” he whined, sighing and following Jiwon into his room, not thinking he was able to stay at his own room right now. There was no one there which probably meant Chanwoo had taken his laptop into YunDong’s room and they were playing something while Yunhyeong did face masks. 

 

Jiwon started stripping naturally, Hanbin taking a seat at the edge of the bed and looking over at the boy, his bare back already exposed as he threw the black shirt on top of his disorganized bag. Hanbin’s eyes would just casually follow the shape of the muscles, not paying close mind to the fact that he did it oh so naturally. 

 

His eyes just admired Jiwon as a preface for whenever he was thinking deeply of him, whenever he needed to talk about him.

 

“… Why did you cover up for me?”

 

The question came out unannounced, ripping through the good atmosphere and causing a weird out of the blue tension. Jiwon turned around, blinking lazily a few times and pondering before answering.

 

“You go through a lot of shit as it is. I hardly get punished by anything, for some reason, even if I'm the one who fucks up the most around here.”

 

Hanbin couldn’t agree with that statement, but for the sake of their dynamics he never said the opposite either. It was as if he was afraid to touch that kind of subject, as if it was a frail thing he had to handle with care. 

 

Saying he wasn’t wrong, or a rebel, or tough and it was not a bad thing, saying all of that would stir something they would rather not talk about.

 

“Still, this one was on me, though.”

 

“I suggested the stalk-“

 

“Because I was being stubborn.”

 

Silence.

 

Jiwon breathed in and out calmly, approaching carefully and sitting besides Hanbin. When the younger lifted his eyes, he met the most tender look he had ever seen in Jiwon’s face. A small smile coming through, a way too knowing smile for Hanbin’s taste. A look that was a tad too zealous, too… Intimate. Heat creeped up Hanbin’s neck as he snapped out of the eye contact.

 

“You may not realize it now, but it really was my fault.” Jiwon was very adamant on his point, tone as if the conversation was finished and there was nothing more to be added. 

 

As the older boy stood up and undressed his pants, Hanbin sort of snapped out of his trance, looking away until Jiwon had gone into the bathroom. 

 

He breathed in slowly, falling back into his friend’s bed with a frustrated look on his face, gazing at the ceiling for a while as he heard water start running down inside the bathroom. 

 

The ceiling had no answers to all of his questions about that night, his actions, Jinhwan’s motives, Jiwon’s certainties. 

 

Nothing made much sense to him. 

 

Odd, unresolved feelings, flashes of skin tinted in pink, held in breaths, a  _ different _ kind of touch.

 

It wasn’t different, his mind advert. And then archived the thought correspondingly.

 

Hanbin allowed his shallow mind to categorize everything he didn’t understand as “not important” and throw it at a dark corner of his brain. It was a response he very much knew how to handle, things he could always deal with later.

 

A corner that would be in the spotlight much later, when everything crashed down on him like a disastrous supernova. It was coming, but until they crossed that bridge, Hanbin didn’t have to think about it.

 

He thought he had time at the moment. He thought he wouldn’t have to think about it. Even if the anxiety swirling around inside his guts made his stomach spasm and limbs ache with tension, he would still ignore it, like a task you constantly postpone until you reach the day before the deadline and there’s nowhere else to run. 

 

But he had time, he thought, he had plenty of time.

  
  
  
  


And as he let his mind be lured by the sound of falling water, eyes closing into light slumber, he didn't realize that he would soon discover his time was virtually over.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know where to [find me](http://twitter.com/bennyindaeyo).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not many people are reading this but I'm not gonna abandon it so if you're reading it by any chance then uhh hello. Sorry for taking so long. Hope u enjoy this chapter because from now on it only get worse.

ii

chapter two, 

the one in which they’re fine

(that’s a lie, but don’t tell anyone)

 

 

"Did you know an orgasm is a near-death experience?"

 

“Uh.”

 

There was a long pause before anyone tried to even think of an answer. Jiwon half-chuckled half-choked, Jinhwan sighed loudly and Chanwoo had to cover his face with both hands, although his ears were still notably red.

 

“…Hanbin,” Yunhyeong started, softly, "Is this really a necessary topic?"

 

"It's just an interesting thing I found out on the internet, geez. Why does sex has to be such taboo?” The boy didn’t even lift his eyes from his phone screen, scrolling away and huffing as if he had been told off when he wasn’t even doing anything. “It's just **sex.** ”

 

Chanwoo squeaked.

 

“Hanbin— You're freaking Chanwoo out-" Yunhyeong warned. The blonde only frowned deeper.

 

"Sex sex sex SEX- SEEEX. Sex." He snapped and Jiwon just burst out laughing, slapping Hanbin's thigh continuously mid laughing fit.

 

"So you're at that age, huh? Puberty just hit you a bit later it seems. Now let's see if it fixes your squeaky toy voice, too." Jinhwan smiled softly, corner of his mouth dripping with metaphorical venom. Jiwon laughed harder.

 

"Oh, that coming from someone with the height of a kindergartner. Ouchie, the smallest burn ever."

 

"Hyung, you're not one to talk about heights either," Chanwoo seemed to have snapped out of the sex induced trance, jabbing at Hanbin as a comeback from all the suffering he's been put through.

 

A light jab would not be let off easy as the leader screamed _“SEX!”_ , as if threatening the youngest who flinched just at the word and then scurried away to his room.

 

Jiwon was currently breathless, coughing, crying. Hanbin absentmindedly gave him pats on the back to help.

 

"I'm urging you guys to stop before you kill Jiwon. He's getting purple."

 

"That's his punishment for being a fifth-grader."

 

All things considered, Hanbin ended up being silent after the longer than expected exchange. It wasn't that is was a necessary topic to be brought up, essentially. He had no reason to randomly bring up sex to the (literal) table, other than he felt like it.

 

Hanbin had the habit of constantly trying to understand why things were made the way they were. Maybe that society just wasn’t quite ready for his curiosity, yet.

 

And, _boy_. Was it a big ass curiosity.

 

He had researched random facts about sex.

 

Had watched all kinds of pornography to the point it got even boring to watch, somehow his hormones seemed to not be working right. Every time someone walked in and cursed Hanbin for beating one off with no warning at the middle of the day, they would fail to notice the frustrated expression he showed the second before being caught.

 

Frustrated. Miserable. Extremely horny…

 

But the truth was:

 

He just, simply put, couldn't get it up anymore. Not since…

 

Hanbin shook his head, like chasing away an image he didn’t want to be reminded of. Hell, it would be pretty problematic to keep being reminded of an image like that whenever you think of _sex._

 

_“Bin, you okay?”_

 

Forgetting seemed nearly impossible when you have a constant reminder on your side. The boy turned to look, already thinking up of an excuse, hadn’t it been for the face almost too close for comfort, Hanbin blinking in slight shock as Jiwon drew in closer.

 

“Uh…”

 

Too close.

 

He could see the perfect shape of his lips.

 

_Why are you looking at his lips? Again?_

 

_Stop this._

 

 _“_ Jiwon, personal space, dude.” He pushed the boy in front of him, jocosely tugging at a strand of the long two-colored hair, watching he whine in protest, “I'm not okay. I keep thinking I have to share the table with Cruella De Ville.”

 

He stood up at least as Jiwon did his best impersonation of a thug Cruella.

 

Maintaining peace sometimes was difficult when you’re _this_ hormonal. And unfortunately, it was about to get a hundred times more difficult.

  


—

  


Hormones.

 

The perfect time to start discovering yourself is around thirteen, fourteen years of age. When you’re a teen, you can experiment, you can Ew at girls but still feel a rush when you look at them for too long, wondering why is it that your body won’t respond to you and your clammy sweaty hands shake at the thought of them looking back at you.

 

And when they do, you smile a wonky, over-confident smile that disappears as soon as you’re alone, because maintaining a facade is useless when there’s no one to attest that you’re fine, that you’re _chill._

 

That’s really nice, when you’re fourteen you usually get to experience all of that—

 

… unless you’re Kim Hanbin and your whole childhood has been—

 

“ _Again_. Chanwoo were off beat.”

 

This.

 

The maknae's back hit the wooden floor with a thud, the boy graveling in what seemed to be overworking pain. He panted hard, “Oh my God—,” his voice cracking at the end, arms open as a sign of defeat. The others were similarly beat up, hands on their knees, some reaching for the water bottle.

 

Jinhwan frowned, grunting, instantly bothered by the dry tone of their leader’s voice. A friendly bunny intervened, before the elder could bust a temple.

 

“Hanbin-ah, what’s with you today?” Jiwon put his arm around the boy’s shoulder, mocking the tone of his voice. Usually he would be ready to take Hanbin’s word as gospel truth, but not when it seemed to be bothering him more than anyone else listening to it.

 

As always, what everyone else failed to see, Jiwon’s eye would catch like a hawk.

 

Hanbin's body had been tense, arms folded in front of his chest, jaw tight, and what was meant as a comforting touch, for some reason, made him somehow tenser.

 

It was like a fraction of a second, a spark of… something. Jiwon saw it quite clearly as Hanbin’s head snapped to look at him, brows furrowed. Something like confusion, but eyes darkened with an unusual, deeper thought.

 

He had to make quick choices, react in adequate manners. But they were still boys, and he was still growing. Stunted as it may be, still flourishing.

 

“Tch!—“ He didn’t shy away from the touch, instead wrestling Jiwon into the ground in a second and making a joke out of it, “You punk do you think you know the whole choreo yet that you can be joking around? _You_!”

 

Everyone laughed, Jiwon's smile showing through his crescent eyes, sparkling in amusement,

 

…Then, something that felt like igniting a rocket launcher.

 

Jiwon was starting a dangerous game. Like fire being set to the start of a gunpowder trail, he arched a brow, a crooked smile flashing before Hanbin’s eyes like a truck’s headlights.

 

“I know more than you— If you keep staring instead of dancing, your muscles will get cold and you’ll mess up the dance.”

 

He struggled, Hanbin still pinning him down. Everyone jumping around, like crazy jungle animals, like they were in a rink and they were the spectators. Jinhwan putting all his repressed anger to good use, yelling _Jiwon get him!_ , maybe a bit _too_ excited.

 

The leader puffed, fake madness on his protruded jaw, the same tone he’d scold Jiwon when they were being playful, “I know everything, I am like a _King_ , I know all of it!”

  


“You’re more like a snotty prince to me… but go off, I guess.”

 

“You assh—” Hanbin was cut off by Jiwon rolling him towards the floor and getting the higher ground, soon enough becoming a full blown tickle fight of two madmen, while some of the audience would lose their interest at this point for it became softer than it probably should be.

 

Although it served its purpose, and Jiwon tackled the problem (quite literally) as perfectly planned, Hanbin now laughing, red ears and sparkly eyes. The boy himself didn’t notice how simple it had been to lift his rigid spirits, but Jiwon had been around long enough that he could face any kind of stormy weather the leader would bring upon them.

 

It was easy enough when you felt…

 

The way they felt.

 

They had to cut their little wrestling session short, for their manager came in with some isotonic and found the practice was in halt due to the more pressing matter of tickle-wrestle. They earned a scolding, but nothing too harsh, and soon went back to routine practice, but not before exchanging a small glance.

 

A smile, an elbow nudge that would be returned with soft fingers brushing in the skin of his forearm, following goosebumps lifting up the small hairs to the brim, and a held in sigh of longing for maybe a little bit more of that… rush of ephemeral joy.

  


The fire was trailing closer to the rocket.

 

—

 

They were laughing, both sprawled on the floor, sweaty strands of hair sticking to their exposed foreheads as Jiwon rolled against Hanbin's smaller build, the elder curling up against Hanbin's body as the smaller boy propped himself up on his elbows only, turning to face the elder, casting a shadow from the only source of light of the practice room, the lights near the mirror.

 

“Why would he call him mom?! Oh my God—"

 

“He said _Pick up your socks you little monkey_ — I just didn’t— I wasn’t thinking, without realizing, I just said Yes mom, and now he won’t text me back—"

 

His laughter faltered sometimes, breaking now and then, voice raspy and overused, "Shit- I love you dude I can't believe— You called Jinhwan _mom_ , it’s like a fourth grader’s worst nightmare? Amazing…”  

 

Hanbin's laughter started dying after that sentence, albeit his smile didn't. Although he did understand it was just speech slang, the words danced around his mind, swirling in a tempting tantrum as his lips pursed unconsciously, words being muted before they could reach existence.

 

But.

 

Like a file being corrupted, something bubbled up inside of him and took over his mind gradually, eyes revealing a secret his brain was still keen on holding back. Something... Fiery, powerful, intense. Impulsive. His eyes sparkled, smile still present, but stare completely taken by a certain wilderness. Sometimes there’s no need to verbalize what can be an unspoken truth.

 

They say the eyes are the window to one’s soul, but in this case, it was more like a broadcasting 4K HD smart TV of whatever he was mustering.

 

Jiwon's laughter started to die too, gulping slowly under the feeling of being _devoured._

 

_(The older boy seemed to hesitate over what he wanted to do, stare the devil down, or flee the scene swiftly. What was really right or wrong in that case, he wondered, as his eyes unexpectedly darted back to the origin of the fire. It felt too blurry and everything that should be black or white was flashing multicolor lights of adrenaline. You know what? I’ll decide wrong or right later.)_

 

Glancing over Hanbin, casually at first, their eyes locked in place and didn't break contact, the only difference between them after the pause was that now Hanbin was no longer smiling.

 

 _He's gonna break contact, it's weird now, you made it weird now_ , haunting whispers didn't leave the younger one alone, forcing down any remains saliva as pain shoot down his dry throat, down towards the center of his chest and heavily relocating there with a sense of responsibility that was rapidly losing form.

 

Unaware of any sort of mutual resolve, to Hanbin there was only a choice to be made on his side of the trade, as if he alone was the sole bearer of consequences and weird thoughts on a blatant correspondence.

 

Still, the voices screamed at each other, like a rap battle guided by the very high BPM sound of his heartbeat.

 

_You made it weird._

 

_But, somehow, he doesn't care._

 

_It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t know._

 

_Then it really doesn’t matter, why give up now?_

 

Jiwon didn't look away. His eyes were somewhat... Curious, exploring the qualities of Hanbin's newfound expression that probably was a first to him - a first he had seen, at least, a first that Hanbin had had the guts to show him.

 

There was no indication that he was gonna look away. It seemed to be quite the opposite, as Jiwon maintained his stable glance. No, stare, that would be the correct term, unapologetic, devil's grip stare. And at some point, Hanbin's perspective view allowed him to notice Jiwon's adam's apple bobbing up and down, his tongue wetting his lips, his focus unbreakable.

 

The distance between their faces was no bigger than a few inches. Suddenly Hanbin was very much aware of his friend's body pressing up against his side and thighs.

 

He was very much aware of himself in many different aspects, like he could literally feel vividly every inch of exposed skin being touched by Jiwon's warmth, as well as he could map out any singularity in Jiwon’s face even in penumbra, the way his slightly open mouth revealed a bit of teeth, eyes expectant and observant.

 

His own mouth parted, air seemingly difficult to enter his lungs. He was hyper aware of how much of a higher ground he had, no, he was granted without fight, and that his role was very much of the active part. Whatever had to happened, it just _had to happen,_ and then that'd be it.

 

Simple as it may seem, almost in synch, the two experimentally achieved the same sort of conclusion in similar ways. Jiwon softened his expression, _inviting_ almost, as Hanbin assumed a stance slightly more tense.

 

It was like a Nike commercial at this point.

 

Literally just—

 

“ _Kiss meeee baaaaby—”_

…Neither of them had any idea how long they had that ridiculous awkward silent and exploring stare down until the obnoxiously loud voice of Koo June blasted into the practice room, a butchered version of one of the Beach Boys most underrated songs filling the room too quickly to be true.

 

Hanbin never felt his body move so quickly, getting up in one swift motion as if there was an urgent need to be far away from the other boy, like he was 12 and just got caught watching porn on his living room so he had to change channels quickly.

 

Equally, Jiwon seemed to now be grabbing his backpack and mumbling incoherent words to himself, while June obliviously checked himself in the mirror, coming back for a forgotten pair of socks he’d taken off earlier, song still going as some sort of haunting, ironic soundtrack to the situation.

 

…Why did he jump at all? They weren't doing anything explicitly _wrong—_ Or non explicit either! Nothing was happening, absolutely nothing, and still both of them seemed to have been caught in the act for some reason.

 

 _Act? There was no act?!_ There was nothing and no intrusive thought got through Hanbin's strong mind barrier. Even when a sudden rush filled his brain, flushed cheeks as he searched discreetly for the other boy's face which was now promptly hidden by Jiwon's trustworthy cap pushed low on his face.

 

“ _I gotta go pee!"_ And to this day legend says there was no man faster on his route than Kim Bobby, rushing down the hallway and probably back to the dorm and into his own bed and then into the abyss of whatever the fuck that was.

 

…Even so, he didn't think anything. His mind was blank. They did _nothing_.

 

They didn't do anything, no, Hanbin shook his head and left the room quickly, despair filling his chest, a crippling discomfort as the only thing he could feel at this moment was regret, anxiety, confusion.

 

It was nothing. But nothing was still _something._

 

Waiting was still _expecting._

 

Whatever that thought meant scared him senseless.

 

—

 

Girls.

 

Kim Jiwon played her role his laptop screen, making his heart beat fast whenever a particularly romantic situation would occurs. Girls, they were emotionally aware, always thinking of what they’re feeling and digesting that in numerous ways.

 

Whenever he watched dramas, the stories spoke to him in a weird way. When he watched romance movies and read stories, it followed a pattern of feeling, understanding what you felt and dealing with it somehow.

 

A strong person is the product of understanding.

 

He… didn’t understand at all. Boys were completely different, or maybe that was what he was raised to believe.

 

… But boys.

 

Boys were to never speak of their romantic inclinations. You could be romantic, yes, on occasion, to a girl, but speaking of his feelings was maybe a little too much.

 

He couldn’t begin to imagine how it would be to have a moment with a girl, though. How _wonderful_ would that be.

 

Out on a date, laughing over some silly situation. Touching hands accidentally, maybe stuck in an awkward position that they were a bit too close for comfort. They look each other in the eye and there’s a hint of something. A secret wish that they can fulfill.

 

They’re meant to fulfill it because they are made for each other. Only you and them.

 

I mean, her.

 

Who else could it be?

 

“Jiwon?”

 

“ _What?!”_ The boy screamed instinctively.

 

Chanwoo was frozen at the threshold, almost scared. “Uh… Jiwon… The drama, I mean. You’re… watching…”

 

Oh,… Oh yeah.

 

“Sorry,” Hanbin apologized, scratching behind his head. Maybe he was a little on the edge after the previous scare provided by Koo June himself. “Also… For screaming at you during practice today.”

 

“It's fine… You’re the leader, so…”

 

He clicked his tongue, “Also, you were… _Are_ stressed.”

 

He knew that, well— All of them knew. Sales weren’t doing that well, and rumors were spreading about the group’s credibility. Not to mention there was a sort of policy of never ever speaking of his own emotions in front of the group. I mean, he made that policy, and well he was the only one following it. Still—

 

“That doesn’t excuse me screaming at you.”

 

“Yeah but you also made me laugh, which was… nice.”

 

The maknae sit beside him at the bed, the drama still going, but he wasn’t exactly paying attention right now. Coming back to the dorm, it was weirdly silent, not the usual chaos that would be mid-promo season, so he also took a safer route and isolated at his room.

 

He stole a glance at Jiwon’s room for a moment… and that was it.

 

“I was wondering if you weren't maybe interested in going out?”

 

The excessively formal speech was still a weird habit Chanwoo kept around him. It was due time that he'd stop that.

 

“You don’t have to be scared of me…” Hanbin mumbled, starting out like that but then reconsidering. Maybe he could just act _casual_ for once and let actions speak through his words. Yeah, Chanwoo seemed like he suffered enough casualties from this industry, “I mean, yeah, sure. I’ll treat you to some ice cream.”

 

“Nice!” The boy stood up, smiling. For a split second Hanbin swore he could see a glimmer of _deceit,_ but by then it was too late. “Jiwon-hyung, Hanbinie-hyung is coming too!”

 

Oh.

 

 _Oh._ That sneaky little bastard.

 

“Wait wh—”

 

“You didn’t say—”

 

Their voices overlapped, two set of eyes a bit too wide, staring for a moment before ultimately looking away. Chanwoo assessed the situation, humming. He might have had good intentions but boy was that kid a pain in his ass sometimes.

 

Well, there was no point in sulking now. If he said something it would be even more suspect, so supposedly it was for the best that he just… Got on with it. Chanwoo left the room but he still felt a looming presence, somehow.

 

“What's wrong?” Hanbin asked, removing the big sleeping shirt he was wearing and looking for a hoodie that was suitable for going on a walk. He turned around, hoodie in hands, “If you need something you can just—”

 

He paused. Jiwon was… _staring?_

 

“Uh— No, no no, I mean, yeah, I wan… Wanted to ask… if… we’re _okay_ ?” His eyes darted elsewhere, the floor, the shoes or the _hateful_ pile of dirty clothes gathering up at the corner.

 

“I don’t know what you mean.” It was a very curt response, but it didn’t mean to be rude. Jiwon didn’t take it as rude either, but both of them were slightly shocked by how much of a _lie_ it was.

 

“Oh… I think I must’ve been overthinking some shit.”

 

They stared at each other for a while, once the older boy was brave enough to look at his direction again. Jiwon’s eyes kept going back and forth between his eyes and downward. _Well if I were him I wouldn’t want to look at my face either._

 

“I mean, I don’t know what you mean by that? Why wouldn’t we be alright…”

 

“I think I… wanted to say something but for some reason I, like, _really_ needed to pee? Or… Well, yeah, I mean…” He gulped, “What I wanted to say, really, is—”

 

“Let's go you two! Oh— Sorry, you were talking?” Chanwoo inferred and Hanbin realized he was still undressed and apparently stunned, quickly sliding into his oversized hoodie. Strangely, it seemed to get Jiwon to tense down a little, but whatever he meant to say was now lost.

 

“Nah, it’s nothing, let’s go.”

 

Hanbin wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what he was about to say or not. For the time being, let’s just say he wasn’t that interested in knowing, but his mind wouldn’t exactly let him forget.

 

—

 

“Here, choco flavoured.” Jiwon handed him the ice cream cone, coming out of the convenience store, his face covered by the hoodie and a mask. Chanwoo stuffed his face in noodles, at one of the tables, “He says he’s finishing up and we should wait a minute.”

 

“You ended up paying for it, huh. He played us.”

 

“When we stop falling for his stunts we’ll probably have grandchildren already.”

 

Hanbin laughed for a while but his laugh sort of merged into something a little bit bitter. They walked a bit farther, sitting down at the sidewalk of an empty slot of the parking lot. Jiwon’s eye was trained to Hanbin’s every nook and cranny, so he didn’t let it go.

 

“Do you hate the thought of grandchildren?”

 

“What?” He spurted, frowning, “What— No, you doofus. It’s… Not that.”

 

There was a comfortable space in between them. He leaned back on his hand a bit, looking up at the sky. No stars, unfortunately, the center of Seoul being a bit too bright for his taste. He sometimes missed Jeju and Jinhwan’s parent’s house just for that view.

 

“It's not that I hate it, it’s more like I don’t think it’s within my reach.”

 

Jiwon mimicked his pose without realizing, but remained looking at him instead of the sky.

 

“You don’t think you’ll get married and have children? C’mon, that’s absurd.”

 

“Fans only see our good side. My no make-up personality is shit and everyone know that. I don’t know if I actually want to force anyone into that.”

 

“ _Force_? You sound so stupid.”

 

Hanbin frowned, looking back at Jiwon and instantly regretting it. He looked… Mesmerized.

 

“Who wouldn’t want to be with you?”

 

There was a silence, just a moment of silence, and he felt contact. Jiwon’s finger slightly reaching, touching the hand he had been leaning on. As instinct he meant to look at it, but if he did then it would _stop,_ and right now his brain was clearly exhibiting all green signs.

 

Hanbin was starving for touch.

 

“Shut up.” He retorted, but it was soft and almost too _sweet,_ which was about right considering he had been smiling without noticing. “Well… Would you…?”

 

Jiwon’s eyes got big for a second, and then he looked away slowly, “As a girl? … Yeah of course.”

 

“Hm.”

 

Pause.

 

“…As a boy,” Jiwon tensed up, “… _would you want it_?”  

 

He felt the atmosphere around them get tangibly tense, he could possibly cut it with a knife if he had one (which he had not). His hand didn’t dart away from Hanbin’s, but his eyes didn’t go up to hold the stare again. His brows furrowed slightly.

 

An expression like the one he had before, on the dorm. Like whatever he wanted to say was suddenly back.

 

“Hanbin, I—”

 

“Hah! Look at your face, wow, you’re so naïve, c’mon.” Hanbin laughed loudly and elbowed him lightly, breaking touch, therefore. When they skin were no longer in contact, his chest felt instantly cold, but he figured it was better that way. Jiwon laughed too, but relief didn't wash over his face. It was like he was confused for a while, but decided against pursuing the subject.

 

He laughed, nonetheless, nodding it off like it was nothing of import.

 

“Stop doing that to me, man, you’re an asshole!”

 

“Agreed, but what did he do now?” Chanwoo reappeared, a bag of snacks in hand, “Sorry I took so long, I wanted to buy stuff for everyone at the dorm.”

 

“It’s fine,” Hanbin got up, offering a hand that Jiwon took instantly and then they let go, a very normal and casual exchange, not touching for longer than needed. They both but their hands on their pockets, almost too in synch.

 

“Let's go back, I’m sure you guys can diss me some more somewhere I can actually breathe.”

 

“Oh here we go, _Hanbin complains about the mask - Part 27_.”

 

He laughed, looking at the both of them, his stare longing a bit on Jiwon’s back figure, ears fine tuned to his bubbly laughter.

 

He could pretend all he wanted.

 

It was already too late for him.

  
  
  


_I don't wanna hear it. Not yet._

_I'm so sorry, Jiwon. ...I'm a coward._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna find me, I'm on [twitter](http://twitter.com/haetbin).


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